Every day we have our own struggle:
I guess this would be the theme for today. Finally, I have the courage to face the PC screen and have my hands on the keyboard to start working on something serious again. It has been a while since I moved back from UK to Malaysia. During this time, I faced many obstacles to move forward in both academic and career. In turn, I have changed so much that I no longer speak about my inner thought or feeling to this society. I prefer to isolate myself in my own room or house. This does not imply that the year I spent in Oxford was a waste. Those experience and skills as well as knowledge gained are undeniably precious, especially the changes in my personal development, my attitude towards life as well as the mentality I have to live.
Nonetheless, people around me would still tease me on my current situation and laugh at me for being an Oxford graduate yet not doing great in life (yet). So, this is the reason for me to write this journal, to record the bits and pieces internally and externally, in order to help myself in figuring out what is happening around and within me. Besides, this would be a good training too, to prepare myself in writing my own ethnography in the future. Since writing is not my strength, nor the language itself, I try to learn to observe the changes I can have by writing every day. A famous speaker told me in the spring of 2018 when I attended her self-pitching class, “Just give yourself 15 minutes every day, not lesser or longer than that, you too can shine on that stage”.
I have to apologise here for not working on what she has asked me to practise. Maybe I hate writing, or maybe even I hate to give public speaking, yet my inner struggle was and is having my voice to be heard. Then, I was hoping there would be some other ways. I was busying searching for my direction in life despite knowing what I love most. I was trying so hard on things that maybe I am not ready for. I know every one of us struggles, we hate to face our weaknesses, but at the same time we wish we could do well. However, before reaching that successful life we wish for, the baby step to take that leap to face our weakness is crucial; it might be even the only step to reach our destination. I tried to write blog, I tried to do vlog, I tried to create my own branding, I even tried to apply for funding, these are things that I have had been trying hard. Things take times but how to make sure our determination and passion does not fade?
My friend, T who is also a graduate from Oxford, is currently doing her fieldwork in Cambodia. She has been doing really great in academic and in life. Sometimes, it is easier to “see” her glorious life, she even has her own podcast, her own Instagram, her own branding, she got her funding. However, to accomplish this fieldwork, it is more than that funding, it is more than that journal; this is about life. To have things done, it is the support, courage and love that she gets, not just from the family, or friends, but also from the locals, the people that she has to do fieldwork with, as well as the people she is staying with. Not to forget, she is not from Cambodia, she has to cope with the weather and the geographical differences. That is why in Chinese philosophy, it is believed to have the Heaven-Sky to provides the correct timing, as well as the nurture from the Earth, which is basically a perfect geographical environment and the harmoniously living-helpful society (天时地利人和).
So, back to square one, knowing that we have struggles in any shapes, sizes or forms every single day, what have I done? Why are we still magnifying our own problems while pretending the rest of the world do not have their own problems? I question myself about my own management skill: why do I manage my time so poorly? How do I manage my resources that I could not do things persistently? My failure that I have now is not because of those “failures” in not getting funding, or acknowledgement, it is that habit of not being patience enough, to give yourself enough time to do something, or to believe in something. No matter what you are struggling now, I do understand that you are not alone. If he can, she can; if they can, we can; if I can, you can!
#thestruggleisreal #everydayjournal #writetomakeyoufeelbetter #theysaywritingcanhelp #ifreadingcanmakeyoufeelbetter
P.S.: So what is the psychology here? Is reading makes us feel better? OR is the writing makes us feel better? Or it is none but the words or sentences that describe you that make you feel better?🤷♀️ You name it.
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